FRIEND NAMED EMAIL
a jvb publication
a jvb publication
HO HO HO
MERRY Friend Named Email (FNE) Weekly Newsletter.
HO HO HO I'M EMAIL CLAUS, BOY HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN NAUGHTY THIS YEAR
IN THIS ISSUE:
Check out last week's issue for even more hogwash! And enjoy this week's edition, but first...
------------------------------------------------
HO HO HO HO MERRY EMAILMAS and HAPPY EMAILKKAH! It's jolly old Email Claus here to let you know that THIS IS THE LAST FUCKING ISSUE OF FRIEND NAMED EMAIL UNTIL 2025.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO READ FRIEND NAMED EMAIL UNTIL JANUARY AT EARLIEST.
IF YOU TRY TO READ FNE WHEN IM JVB IS NOT WRITING FNE YOU WILL BE READING NOTHING AND YOU WILL DIE. And IF YOU DIE IN FRIEND NAMED EMAIL YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE.
------------------------------------------------
Jaiden van Bork, FNE Sports Correspondent
A few nights ago, in an undisclosed location in Waltham, MA, a group of approximately 10 transexuals, communists, “:3” users, and anti-dishwashing activists gathered for a competition unlike any other. The reason for their gathering? A fight to the death.
As the group huddled together in the cold, local MMA expert and “bisexual girl with a boyfriend” Rosemary Wampole explained the ground rules: no punching/direct hits, be careful of the brick wall, stay within the boundaries, etc – with the added caveat that each pair could determine their own terms.
Eventually, with the rules of the game clearly explained, the time came for someone to step up and fight. I stood on the sidelines, hesitant, but then I locked eyes with my mortal enemy.
Emmi Brandimarte stands about 4 feet tall on a good day and looks kind of like the little weird dancing guy from Twin Peaks. I often mistake him for my grandfather and/or a small Yorkipoo sticking out of a handbag. Nonetheless, this schmuck is a ruthless opponent in the ring. With unwavering gusto, Emmi charged at me, attempting to knock me off balance, but to no avail. We swung around repeatedly like dancers, exploding into our moves. We were doing the whip, the Nae-Nae, we were bouncing all over the place, hitting the Quan too. Eventually, I bested Emmi with my signature move: The Triple Gyatt Takedown. However, the night had just begun and I was about to have the lights knocked out of me.
Emmi
Vowing to avenge her twink boyfriend, Rosemary stepped in next and easily defeated me with her expert fighting ability. But as Rosemary moved on through each round, a foe of even greater, unimaginable strength awaited on the sidelines.
Grace Doh is a menace. Trained in the foothills of New Jersey by ex-guerilla militants, she is as much of a cold-blooded killer as she is a sharp journalist (though admittedly, there is little difference between the two). Taking the crowd by surprise, she stepped in to take on reigning champion Rosemary — and GOD DAMN SHE BEAT HER ASS. It was a close fight, but Grace continued on to defeat seemingly everyone in that circle. She even fought me, despite the fact that I was hardly in the contest at this point — motivated purely by a lust for blood. By the end of the evening it was clear, there was a new Tranny Fight Club champion in town.
“I just got that dog in me,” says Doh, who corresponded with FNE Monday morning about her win. She described her favorite part of the night as “ruthlessly taking down JVB” and expressed bright hopes for the future of TFC. When asked about the future of the fight club she simply said “Tran(sgender)Fight Club The Movie… lol idk i just woke up.”
------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------
BI-CURIOUS GEORGE
Ranking Monkeys based on How Bisexual I think they are
Greg Roitbourd, FNE Environmental Journalist (with some help from Emma Sadewasser, Monkey Connoisseur)
Hey squad. I got a lot of good reception to my bojack horseman horse ranking article last time, so I’m gonna do the same thing but a little different because this time I’m looking at monkeys and rating how bisexual they are. For the sake of fairness, I will be ranking based on this criteria:
Last but not least, please fill out this google form to let me know how I’m doing and what you want to see next! Okay let’s get into it.
Munkey 1: Golden Snub-Nosed Monkey (Rhinopithecus roxellana) - honosexula/10
I think this guy is soooooo mother because she is sooooooo mother. She is hand up and that is giving cunt. Need I say more?
I shall say more. Though she is good on mother and cuntiness, she is missing the straight factor we need. Her face card may not decline, but she is in massive ammounts of debt and has skipped paying taxes to the IRS for 14 years. That being said, this is gay activity if I’ve ever heard it.
Monkey 2: Mandrill (Mandrillus sphinx) - BYE SEXUAL!/10
He’s kinda serving face here thoooooooo. Like the face card is not declining because thoise eyes are SOOO distinguished and lovely and orbs. She looks like she is a working lady; he is on that wix site for reaaaal. The surrounding yellow around his face is definitely giving primary colors, but the salt and pepper in his hair is so 40 year old white man.
This is the bicurious jorgj.
Number 3: Capuchin Monkey (Cebus capucinus) - :p/10
I like this guys tung. :p
Mokey 4L: Proboscis Monkey (Nasalis larvatus) - Squidward is a gay man/10
DAAAAAAAAAMN. HER ASS IS HUUUUUUUUUUGE. SHE’S GYAAATT TO GET OUT OF HERE. 5 STARS. That nose doe is not doing the work she thinks it is tho. Fr fr. Call me Cupcakke, the way “[something something] squidward nose.”
I think Cupcakke is bisexual? She talks about women in her music sometimes and that kinda insinuates taht. But then also she talks about riding [this part has been censored for your reading pleasure] and then also [CENSORED]. I think that her music is really representative of a time where we were truly able to be sexually progressive as humans.
Monkey No. 5: Japanese Macaque (Macaca fuscata) - colt munky/10
Brrrrrrrr. So cold guy. (CUnt!) She in a mackage jacket??? Daaaaamn!!!! She’s riiiiiiich!!!
Okay gays thanks for coming to my ranking. Come back next time and I will hopefully rank something else. I sometimes do. Maybe I wont. Who knows! Not these monkeys. Okay bye(sexual).
------------------------------------------------
POCKET CINEMA: The Cutting Edge of Remix Culture on TikTok
Jaiden van Bork, Annoying Media Studies Girl
So basically I just watched a bunch of TikTok videos for my digital humanities final. Specifically corecore/hopecore edits. Idk if anyone is even remotely interested in this but this is the intro from my project:
In TikTok Cultures in the United States, writer and educator Trevor Boffone crystalizes something very important about TikTok (and by extension, copycats like Instagram Reels). While at one point, it might have been easy to diminish the cultural relevance of TikTok, its user base and its influence on American culture, politics, and life have grown immensely in the last few years. The fact alone that TikTok now faces the possibility of a ban by the U.S. government speaks volumes to its relevance.
I intend to take this idea further by arguing that many of these short-form videos as a medium are not just culturally relevant, but also indicative of a new wave in cinema and video art. In particular I want to focus on a specific TikTok subgenre that exists under the hashtag #corecore (as well as a few adjacent tags with similar associations).
Corecore is an umbrella term encompassing a variety of fan-made edit videos that appropriate a wide and often disjointed array of media sources, usually to make some variety of existential or absurdist comment about the state of humanity, the internet, or other wide-reaching subjects. The phrase itself pokes fun at the endless amount of internet trends and fads that appropriate the suffix “core” (such as cottagecore, goblincore, etc.)
While there is little academic research on this particular community, it has not escaped the attention of mainstream journalists (Mendez),(Chandonnet),(Segalovich),(Townsend). My analysis will draw from this sort of commentary, as well as the wealth of scholarship that does exist on other forms of what you might call “remix culture”. Scholar Lawrence Lessig refers to this type of culture as “Read/Write Culture” (as opposed to “Read Only culture”), wherein individuals both consume and re-create the culture around them. Historical examples of this include the practice of “vidding” (arguably the TikTok edit’s precursor) whereby fans “..edit an existing film, music video, TV show, or other performance and set it to music of their choosing.” (Coppa) Any discussion of remix culture would also be incomplete without a mention of musical sampling in Hip-Hop and other musical subcultures.
Basically, I’ve taken a bunch of different edits and tracked down a number of the shows/movies/etc they rip stuff from and talk about them. If nothing else, this is a great compilation of TikToks for you to watch while avoiding work on your finals. Check out the full project website here.
Did you do something mildly interesting for a final?
Send FNE your final projects, essays, etc. to be featured in Issue 11
-----------------------------------------------
All I ever wanted was a holly jolly christmas
Fuck being naughty, give 'em what they ask for
It's not enough (ayy)
Few solid elves left, but it's not enough
Few reindeer that'll really step, but it's not enough
Say you jollier than myself, but it's not enough (huh)
I get on they presents, yeah, somebody gotta do it
I'll make them children happy, yeah, somebody gotta do it
I'll take they G-pass, shit, watch a Santa do it
Huh, we survived outside, all from the presents, Santa, what?
- Kendrick Lamar
JOIN THE FNE ARMY
SIGN YOUR FRIENDS UP oR FORWARD THIS EMAIL
------------------------------------------------
Reprint (From Issue 05): MY EMAIL MANIFESTO
This is the fifth issue of Friend Named Email, which means that we have been at this shit for just over a month now. In that time, we have accomplished a great deal. Our numbers have expanded every week, with more people subscribing to receive the newsletter all the time. We have also accumulated a handful of talented (if flakey) writers and other contributors who have helped to make this publication what it is.
This is only the beginning. As we continue on this journey, we expect to grow even further. But what is the point? What actually is Friend Named Email all about?
At its core, FNE represents the beginning of a much needed revolution in digital communication, a rejection of the conventions of online journalism. We are reshaping what it means to be an Email – and what it means to be a Friend. We reject sterile corporate graphic design in favor of an expressive style that is grounded in the basic elements of the digital. We reject the unforgiving neutrality of news journalism in favor of a philosophy that aims to mislead, misdirect, misinform, and mistreat the public, all in pursuit of a more pure form of truth. We also reject the traditional means of informal internet communication — social media, text messages, etc — which are all items of bourgeoisie decadence and have no place in the Second Internet Revolution.
As Chairman Mao once said, “Political power grows out of the body of an email.” Our goal is to create a moment — a moment for space, to foster a community that is in temporal dialogue with the moment in time that it is in. Friend Named Email is that space. It is a room. It is your bedroom after a night of heavy drinking, clothes strewn across the floor, shattered glass and gummy bears in your teeth, and the sound of your mom and your ex-boyfriend calling you repeatedly over and over echoing through your head.
Friend Named Email is that girl. The girl reading this. The one you accidentally hooked up with that one time but she’s kind of weird and schizophrenic and has a pet beetle. The girl next door. The girl who is also a boy and also a man and also a secret third thing. The girl who is a dog. Friend Named Email is a dog-girl on Twitter.com with bad takes on everything. Why is everything that comes out of her mouth so awful? What does “pup/pupself” mean? What is a queer platonic group chat? Did I eat breakfast today? Fuck I’m hungry.
This is what’s at stake, folks. In the end, they're not coming after Friend Named Email. They're coming after you — and Friend Named Email is just standing in their way. It is critical that we continue to grow our subscriber base to spread TRUE, VERIFIED, CORRECT, NEVER FACT-CHECKED, SUPER BASED INFORMATION to the American public.
Get your friends subscribed today. And please please for the love of GOD, send us shit to publish. If you have a journalistic vision, we can make it happen here.
Friend Named Email – it’s in the game.
- FNE Editorial Staff
------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------
ISSUE 11 COMING JANUARY 14TH
THIS WILL BE THE BIGGEST CRAZIEST SEXIEST ISSUE YET
Submissions for the next issue are due JANUARY 7 at latest
Submit via email to jaidenv@brandeis.edu -- anything (and I mean anything) goes
Open to ALL
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Happy Holidays,
Email Claus
Present Deliverer
